Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Does this happen to you?

Maybe I've been living in Brooklyn sized apartments too long. Because its barely midnight and my girlfriend's four room apartment is making me agoraphobic. It's really odd. Its not that the space itself is frightening me, its just that...well, you never realize until you're alone just how many places there are for monsters to hide.

That's right, I said it: monsters. Is that strange? For a thirty-two year old man to be afraid of the dark? I'm not always afraid of the dark. I don't start crying at sun down. I just tend to get that way when I'm alone - especially when I haven't slept very well and I enter that odd brain-phase where I can't tell if I'm sleepy or having a flash-back. Does that ever happen to you? It does to me. Usually when I get like this I find myself becoming very nervous about open doors. I feel they ought to be shut. I think it's one of those little kid rules that just sort of hangs over into adulthood, even if we don't want to admit it. Like the blanket rule. Remember that one? The one that said, so long as there isn't even a shred of exposed skin, the monsters can't see you? It's true. If you cover yourself up completely then you just look like a well made bed.

Not that I follow that one anymore. I'm an adult. I follow the door rule. Monsters can't get through particle board apparently. Of course, that creates its own problems. Because if you shut every door then you have to shut your bedroom door and then you'll eventually have to face the pee problem. The pee problem is when you wake up in the middle of the night with a full throbbing bladder, but you have to stand in front of the door for five and a half minutes trying to convince yourself that there isn't some pale faced zombie-demon waiting for you on the other side of the door that's really pissed off because you thwarted him with plywood - again!!! So eventually (right before you piss yourself) you throw open the door, make a mad dash to the bathroom and flick on the light!! Ha! That got him!!! Because everyone knows that nothing will shrivel a zombie-demon quicker than 60 watt florescents. Of course, I don't always think like this. Just at night.